My friend Tyler’s buddy asks his kids this question every night: “What are your rose, your thorn, and your bud?”
Your rose is the happiest moment of the day. The thorn, the worst part of your day: what’s bothering you or keeping you back. And your bud is what you’re excited about learning or doing next.
Roses have been on my mind lately. When I’m trying to calm down I visualize being in one. A giant red rose. I curl in the center like a baby, a yellow pollen blanket under me. The petals unfurl around me.
Love, that’s what a rose means. In that visualization I do, it means self-love. Self-love. I didn’t know I needed it, but apparently it’s what I’m supposed to be learning. Have I mentioned I hate learning? I’ve come to recognize that my wires are crossed. Learning = failing. I’m working hard to change this belief, and to be kinder to myself as I grow. (How do you do that self-love thing? Did you always just…love yourself unconditionally? Is it learned? Does it come and go?)
I had a rose-related breakthrough recently when a wise woman who knows me well said: “You don’t have to constantly be exceptional, Margot.”
“Yes I do!” I shouted. And then I laughed a little and explained, “So I can keep torturing myself for failing!”
She, much older and calmer than I, said: “Lower your expectations. Especially of yourself.”
It was a revolting idea.
“But I want to create! Beautiful things!” I said. “And change the world! Make it better! Help people! And be a great parent! And–”
“It’s not realistic, or kind to yourself, to think you have to be phenomenal all the time,” she said. “To create, you need down time. Time when you’re just normal old you. You need time to gestate.”
Then I thought of a rose, and why it’s exceptional: it’s not always blooming. The bush hibernates. It makes rose hips from faded flowers. Its roots stretch into the cold deep earth to bring up nutrients. The leaves do their photosynthesis thing.
And when things are ready, it blooms.
I feel like I’m coming out of a dark winter. So grateful to see the late-Spring sun. I have to move past being mad at myself for breaking down. I know this whole process–my recent crash, and evolving identity, and awkward inner growth is leading to something. More roses. I’m sure of it.
I haven’t yet instated the rose/thorn/bud routine with my family. I’ll have to add it to my list of to-do’s. If you’re inspired, and you actually have dinner with your family regularly, please do it and lmk how it goes.